“As you may know, soccer dating is a topic I find particularly funny, and potentially lucrative. Internet dating is as close to mainstream as its ever been, with a variety of options to help you find whatever it is you’re looking for in a prospective soul mate. Why can’t we apply this to soccer? There’s JDate and Christian Mingle for religiously inclined. Black People Meet and Latino People Meet for folks with a ‘type,’  too afraid to luxuriate in the racial deliciousness of our nation. Farmers Only for people who really aren’t down racial deliciousness, but prefer to say so in coded language, and Tinder, for people who want to pretend that the possibility of sex isn’t the only reason they’re leaving the house that night.” Soccer Gods